this continous heartache that weakens me...

Nils Frahm – Said And Done (live at Haldern Pop Festival 2010) from Erased Tapes on Vimeo.

I regularly watch inspirational videos and I think about the way I think about things, and I try to be a good person (except when I’m in a hurry, then I do loose a bit of my grip) and, despite my effort, right here, in my heart, I’m always so sad... I believe in the wisdom of the heart, I believe in spontaneity, in laughing with joy, bathing in the sun, I believe in playing with sweetness and cleverness! I believe that life should not be wasted with silly annoying things, with ugly things, with things that are negative, things that are a pure waste of time, shallow things... and yet, I feel that I’m living a life full of all those things. I spend too much time alone, I spend too much time on the computer, I don’t create anything, I don’t share anything that is my own. I like to dance, I like to paint, to draw, I love to write and to listen to music. I love to help others with my strength, I love to feel that I’m doing something useful. I love to build castles in the sand with a friend or friends. Oh man, I get inspired so often! But my hands are dormant, my head is empty... I’m sad. I think that I if had my own window, from where a warm light could be seen from outside, then I wouldn’t feel so misplaced. I would be reading, or writing or listening to my favorite songs, and friends would ring at the door. What is it that makes me feel like I don’t fit anywhere? Where should I be? what should I be doing to really be the full me? I have so much to give, but I think I might be broken...