... "one's ability"
Today I truly feel hopeful and grateful for living because two days ago I felt the exact opposite: despair.
despair for wanting to die, but thinking how selfish of me to wish that;
despair for thinking that all I’ve learn and experience had absolutely no use or truth;
despair for not being able to heal my sadness, my mediocrity; my faults...
despair for knowing that I have all I need, and still am not capable of striving for this wonderful energy I own to build and create;
I felt all this because of a tiny episode in Life, that brought up to surface too many of my insecurities, all at the same time, and I asked myself, too deeply: who am I? what am I doing with my Life??? what have I chose!
I’m always searching for meaning in things, that’s how I am. I’m hypnotized by details, stories and connections. I derive from believing that everything is intertwined with everything. I’m addicted to strong feelings. I’m addicted to the verve of Music, Art, Love...
... so when I feel empty of connections and meaning, when I've mixed all my colours and got grey, I get in that dark space I’ve always had in me and I despair. I remember how much I miss people and places, and how I’ve failed big time in making the right choices. The only thing I’ve learned is that all my wrong choices were made out of fear, but that lesson is yet to be assimilated, for I still haven’t learned how to conquer that fear.
But I’ve been slowly getting to understand that things do have a way to work out. Somehow the Universe plays with things in way that, what I want or wish, comes my way and eventually comes true. Although, what I wish, most of the times, it’s not what I really need.
So after the pain and loss are accepted and are not there anymore, anything outside of yourself just seems to be wonderful. You get a more sensitive view of the world and you see other people’s fragilities, you see how everything has some natural law behind it. Maybe you don’t see yourself with that gentleness, but you’ll start feeling as part of it, and you’ll start accepting your own nature.
We need these “hits”, these asphyxiating moments, to break tightness and continue learning. We call them “wake up calls”, and that’s exactly what they are. Wake up your conscience! Are you writing a story worth reading, or have you fallen asleep over the desk?
“Softness triumphs over hardness, feebleness over strength. What is more malleable is always superior over that which is immovable. This is the principle of controlling things by going along with them, of mastery through adaptation.”
- Lao Tzu
I do wish for changes to happen. The story I’ve been telling my self is not fulfilling me, but I can’t destroy in order to create. I’ll burn the entire city of Rome as Nero did, and what will I have left? Burned corpses and a dump of waste. Change is possible, and these despairing moments we live, are our wake up call to think in a different way, to abandon old beliefs and begin the same path we’re going but with a different attitude. Things will come your way, so let things be, and instead of choosing pain, hurt, anger, remorse, choose Love, Kindness, and Compassion, towards others, but foremost, towards yourself.
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
- Anatole France
SHE LET GO
"She let go,
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the “right” reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back.
She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of all the planning and all the calculation, about how to do it just right.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and moon shone forever more."
- Written by Ernest Holmes (1887 – 1960)
You own your Life. You own your impact.
Use this thought as an empowering, liberating, and inspiring way to create beauty and fill your Life with Love.
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